Extreme Makeover: Graduation Ceremony Edition

I went to my sister’s college graduation this week. I am extremely proud of her. Everyone is proud of their graduate, still, hundreds of gymnasium lit faces suffer through three or four hours of yapping, onslaught of name mispronunciations, and mediocre speeches just to leave being ready to cry. You know what really needs a helping hand from the Extreme Makeover cast? I think it is time for a remake of the time honored, and consequently excruciatingly boring, graduation ceremony. I’ve been in a few, attended several more, and even sat as faculty for one so I have a little experience. Think of the poor folks who sit through these year after year and even conduct them. I’m sure they could use some fresh ideas.

I announced my plans to remake college graduation to my family. They were really excited and actually took me seriously. They had so many ideas to help me along with the process. I don’t necessarily agree with all of them, but hey, it’s worth a thought or two for graduation planners. When you hold your next ceremony, please give me some credit for your remake. You can take my name onto the ceremony title or add it in the pamphlet credits or something and I’ll be happy enough.

Remake Idea #1: No old fart speakers please. Let’s try some entertaining guest speakers like comedians, outspoken TV or radio personalities, or other people who know how to get the crowd smiling and happy to be there. The Court Justice dude is not going to know how to do that. Please don’t let him try.

Remake Idea #2: Ask the national anthem lady to keep it short and sweet. Even if she is the music director and wants to finally get a chance to show off her awesome pipes and double length piano/voice solo rendition of the anthem, consider asking her to do something upbeat and short. Cut the fat a little everywhere and you can probably trim an hour off of the ceremony. 

Remake Idea #3: Toot the horns for students and leave it at that. Everyone is very glad the prestigious faculty members are there to see their students off. Can’t we just leave that as an understood and only talk about the people we are there to see—the students? It’s fun to toot your horn, and to toot the horns of others. That is actually what graduation is about, but for this one day toots student horns only, please.

Remake Idea #4: Watch the size of your graduating class. Consider splitting the ceremony into two or more groups. This will make the process much much more enjoyable for most involved. Sitting through thousands of graduates is absolute and utter torture for students and friends/family alike. Your gym bleachers don’t have backs but we do.

Remake Idea #5: A starting gymnasium temperature of 45 degrees and ending temperature of 95 degrees is uncomfortable in every possible way. Yes, please do start the cooling system before the thing starts, but don’t turn it into a giant refrigerator. If your gym still reaches 95 degrees by the end of ceremony, please see remake idea # 4 for next time around. Or, maybe you need a new facilities management person.

Remake Idea #6: Don’t expect everyone to stay seated until students/faculty leave. It’s just not going to happen. It never has and never will. Make the students and faculty sit there and talk to each other while everyone else exits. They are excited and are probably sitting by their friends. The rest of us are sitting by strangers and didn’t just graduate. We’re even more ready to leave than the students are. Plus, aren’t students more obedient and willing to listen to the school officials than the audience, anyway? Yes.

Remake Idea #7: Organize the aftermath. If you let students wait outside of the doors without some line or organized way of ushering the crowd out of the buildings, the crowd will get stuck in the building. I faced this at my last ceremony. The students crowded the front doors trying to find their parents, but the parents couldn’t get out because everyone was standing in front of the doors. This is a fire hazard, and makes this whole process less enjoyable and more time consuming yet. Plus, everyone is gassy after graduation for some reason. Maybe they partied too hard the night before? Yes.

Wishful Remake Idea #8: Get a conveyor belt or just stand and accept. I understand this is a long shot; maybe I’m a little insensitive and impatient, but there must be a faster way to get everyone up on stage or noticed so they can accept their congratulation. One could argue that walking across stage is traditional and the entire process rests on that moment. Who says? I say nix it all together. Nobody matches a face with a name anyway because by the time your student gets to the front, snaps a picture and shakes a hand, they are already walking away and the announcer is saying the next name. “Wait, was that Julie or was the girl before her, Julie?” I know there has to be a way to do this. Someone out there knows and just isn’t speaking up. Please, save us all.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the main goal here should be to cut some time off of the ceremony. Everyone is anxious to eat, and get on with the socializing so they can get on with the going home and the napping.

What are your time saving and other graduation ceremony remake ideas?